Good Mourning

My grandmother lost her son, my uncle Tommy, in 2007 and kept repeating a phrase that won't leave my mind. She kept saying “see you in the morning”, and I have had that racing in my heart, soul, and mind since then. It has manifest a peace when my Grandpa passed a week before Christmas eve this year. Pain is a bitch, no getting around it. I get frustrated with C.S. Lewis' “megaphone” theory a lot recently. But life and death and theology isn't about frustrations or good vs. bad, its mostly about human beings and minds/heart/souls that interact with God on many levels and with Jesus in the eyes of the poor and hungry. Its the effect of the Cross, and Resurrection of Jesus, and the peace of the Holy Spirit, on all of us under and not under the Christian banner.

I am mourning, for the first four days after my Popo died, I woke up crying. Nearly every day since then I have awoken to thoughts of him, memories, etc. He taught me so much. I have already posted some of this here. He was a fighter from birth, and defended those that were beaten up on, he loved his wife even when he wanted to scream (or did), and he appreciated the stories of the greatest names in Country music, which led to my great love for it as well. The stories of murder ballads, tears in beers, running around trying to find something, shooting back, etc will always remind me of my Popo. The ethics I have now are embedded with the memory of families not charged for air conditioning work because they didn't have it, of family members being ONLY welcomed at his table, and knowing that peace is important in a family and soul of all men and women.

Johnny Cash and June Carter would sing a song called “Kneeling Drunkards Plea” about the grace of God and man, regardless of moral labeling by society or family. I know, from personal experience, that when Church-folk leave you outside without invitation is when God can openly bring you in to grace and peace with Himself. Johnny Cash wrote “Ain't No Grave” after his wife passed and he thought of Resurrection, and fear was not there, but patient anticipation of what God was going to do in the future. That was the message at my Popo's eulogy service. This makes for Good Mournings.

Peace and Grace to all, friends.

johnny cash - there ain't no grave - The Johnny Cash Project Part 1

Thomas "Popo" Heitman, Remembering Part 1

At 12:01am, December 16, 2010, my grandfather, “Popo” died. He was Johnny Cash songs in human flesh, He was the man that all others looked up to because he never let down and showed compassion, commitment, and raw emotion in all that he did and said. I remember a strong man, with scarred hands from raw life, not sissy city life. He taught me a lot, and some things I haven't realized until now. Some are candid, and others are revolutionary. We love you, and will see you on the far side banks of Jordan!

THINGS I LEARNED FROM POPO:

• Always chase the woman. (this is, of course, a reference to his wife)
• Beat down the biggest guy around to that the others are scared of you.
• Whiskey is volatile and dangerous, but damn tasty.
• If you think you can't get the girl, beat up all the other options for her until she conceded (another reference, of course, to my grandma)
• Country gospel beats anything by Chris Tomlin, hands down.
• Do good with what you have, and people will do good when you are in need.
• “Get a job, and keep it”. (which is ironic, because he had more trades than any other Renaissance man)
• Goats are the best lawnmowers, because you can pet them and they don't cut off fingers.
• Give your money to your wife, trust her, and you will always have enough in your pocket.
• “That pew won't get me to Heaven, I know who God is”.
• “Hey boy!” is a compliment and sign of affection.
• Protect and fight for your family, no matter if it looks dangerous, its worth it!
• CASH, WAYLON, WILLIE, HAGGARD (enough said)
• My brass knuckles are just back up for my real ones.
• A man can beat cancer, multiple heart attacks, Quadruple bi-pass surgergy, pace-makers, knee replacement, living years with no teeth, alcoholism, smoking habit, and severe depression, and that man chooses when he dies, taking his last breathe on his terms.
• Death is a fucking son-of-a-bitch, and thank God that resurrection DOES EXIST and is the final goal for us all! (I Corinthians 15:55)
• I can learn more from Johnny Cash and people stories than any set of “up to date” bible series', so screw you Tyndale!

More to come, I am sure...let me know what you think!

#justsaying

#letsgoCELTICS

RONDO

All are Leaders. We NOT Me

#justsaying

Green Pride baby!

Waiting on Superman, Ip Man, and anyone else kick ass at this point...

Spent some time with friends last night. Needed time, honestly. Just a few beers and a kung-fu movie that we took a chance on buying at Blockbuster. The movie was Ip Man, a film about the life of a kung fu master who never had a student until his people were over-run by the Japanese in the early 1900's.

This man, who was peaceful and enjoyed the art of kung-fu utilized his skill when needed to inspire, free, and gather his people to unity and action. It makes me wonder what things in my life I call normal or mundane that will one day be utilized for someone (or a whole people's) benefit. I wonder if this is one of the reasons God sent Jesus, because we
are ALL God's children, and God would not let us fall too far from grace, and Jesus was with those while he was on earth who were dangling towards the edge of grace (if there is an edge at all).

I worry a lot. Honestly. Too much.

For instance, when watching the movie, I related to so much of it...but only in theories and thoughts and the leathery skin I got from goosebumps when he fought for a bag of rice to feed his family. This saddens me so much.

Will I ever be given the opportunity?
If I am, will I be able to go beyond self and live for others?
Do I do that now?

I thoroughly believe that Jesus is the example of this, living with and healing people because He loved them, not because of simple need but because of desire. Waiting on someone else to stand with is futile, we are all a community that God desires, and this is seen in Jesus Christ and the works of the Holy Spirit in the early church up to now. Standing with Jesus, is standing with God, is standing with ALL of Humanity with eyes of fiery desire to see us healed and blessed.

Thanks and Giving

We had a great “family dinner” last night at the Mathews Apartment. We invited the Brewery, and many showed up, brought great dishes, and my lovely wife made an awesome Turkey!! (and carrot cake) As we talked outside on porch, over plates of food, and drinks we realized throughout the night that God has done something in the Brewery that we never could have asked for, or orchestrated ourselves. What began as a “bible study” to vent about jobs, life, school, etc. has become a wonderful and honest community of faith that helps each other, loves each other, and would willingly sacrifice for “the other”.

As Ed and Mikey and I were talking privately, sharing words of thanks and giving to one another about our lives and who we are to one another, we overheard a couple cussing and yelling and saying horrible things revolving around something about a cell phone and such. This all in front of their daughter. It made me think and sit in my blessing, that my wife and I “fight well” when we fight, and keep ourselves away from trivial pursuits of frustration. My life growing up involved a lot of domestic violence, drug abuse, and all out fights amongst many different members as years developed. I am not saying Amanda and I are perfect by any means, but that we have seen enough destruction, and we have looked at it and chosen a different path, on purpose, with purpose, allowing ourselves, God, and the people around us to transform our lives.

Remember this Thanksgiving, that your life is never lived alone, even monks go into the desert to return after communing with God. Be thankful. Be giving. Trust. Love. Keep yourself awake because, if you have friends like mine, miracles will happen in your life!

Peace.

Harley

 P.s. - we missed dearly our friends that couldn't make it, but you were mentioned in prayer and conversation and love.

Fear.

 "Fear is a state of nervousness only fit for children. Men should not fear. The only thing man should fear is God. To fear anything other than God is to offend God." Marcus Garvey, read in The Tao of Wu by The RZA.

There are a lot of things going on in my life.
I have given up on things.
I am gaining things.
Perspective mostly.
I need a lot, and am given a lot.
I am appreciative and confused at how much grace is still needed for me.

Most of it is responsibility, time management, but some of it is blood-drenched tears. That kind of sorrow that Jesus went through, keeping me up at night, looking at the pin-dot of light in my wife's eyes, even in the pitch black, knowing it must be in my eyes as well...even when i cannot see it.

I know "namaste" isn't a christian word, but it means the world to me. I know that people hold in themselves a "spark" of God, that thing that pulls on them when they do wrong.

Fear is as strong as death, but according to Solomon (in a point of wisdom) so is love! I hope I love more than i fear.

__Peace

Blowing the Jesus whistle

"Let the caller and the called disappear; be lost in the call" -Rumi

Yesterday was a great series of events. I met with our new lead Pastor from St. John's here in Corpus. My wife is at a weekend retreat of sorts, honing her scrapbooking skills with her “crew” the Paper Dollz. This has become a spiritual practice for her, creativity is God's nature, and my wife excels in it! Then after a long day at work, I met with a great friend, Robert, and we shared what God is doing, has done, and will do in our lives. We laughed, teared up, shared wisdom, cussed, screamed, and watched a movie with guns and blood. An over-all great day. I wanted to share some things that came out of this day.

At lunch with Pastor Mel Hazlewood, a deaf man came by and layed what looked like regular crucifix key chains down in front of all the parishioners at the bar-b-q place we ate and asked through a printed tag on them for donations. Mel, with an interest in his eyes, laid down 5bucks on each of them and without saying words we prayed for him with our faces in thought. So many prayers are wasted when we use words.

As the day went on, I thought of this kind man who was deaf and at the will of generosity of others.

My wife's day was becoming more chaotic than bearable, our car broke again and we are riding our bikes around town and after taking her check up to deposit it there was a mistake, so she had to go (up wind) back to her job and ride another mile to bank. Spiritual discipline is a bitch, but we love her anyway! She needs this weekend, like I needed the Euc Retreat and I know she is laughing and having great expressions of fun! Thank God for you Paper Dollz.

When I got home, I had enough time to kiss Amanda goodbye for her trip into creative rest, which was a wish I had before I left for work. And I waited for Robert, to have “guy time”.

Robert and I ventured into Barnes & Noble and talked about his experience of sabbath and rest and intentional retreat, and it inspired me, to be honest. My friend needed it, and I know now what I must have looked like after Lebh Shomea or the Retreat in Athens, TX.

We talked, and he said something that stuck with me. “I have to be me, not someone I admire, and to be an open book and share my past, present, future with others, with community. Honestly, IF YOU DON'T SHARE, PEOPLE WILL MAKE THINGS UP”. The truth of this, is not in “snitches or bitches” that could come along and manipulate you, but of self giving into the trust of community and faith. Risk involved, and encouraged, because life is well lived with risk and value and friends.

As we were talking, I realized that the crucifix was a whistle. It amazed me, that I was given a noise making religious item from a deaf man. The gospel is like that, isn't it? Where the deaf play piano, and the blind paint with brushes better than any elite known painter. My goal, in life and in ministry is to be the person who loves and hands out grace so much, that I blow whistles that deaf men and women hear, because Love wins and transcends our simple ideas.

Thank you all who are part of my life, who allow me to speak to you, and for speaking back. Sometimes you think you are whispering, and it sounds like beautiful fury to my needing heart!

Jesus Turns-tables

JESUS TURNS TABLES...

 Last night, I stayed up wondering about a statement I often use. I have always loved the image of Jesus turning over the tables in the temple. The raw worship involved in “beating out that which left people out of the temple” was something that I wanted to inspire others to do. This has often come at a price, like people becoming revolutionaries for ranks they don’t even belong too. I am not trying to say who is an isn’t apostate to the faith. This is just a plea to understand what you have gotten yourself into when choosing the gospel.

Paul the apostle asked the people of all his churches to “contend for the faith” and this is not some sissy walk in the park, but it isn’t a bloody mess either. The culture of the early church was full of mix-it-yourself religion, and Christianity at the time stood out as a monotheistic competition with the other fear-bids for people’s submission. Christianity that Paul mentions is that of freedom, and a divine Son of God who came to deliver a people, and the difference between what others would say are “similar religions” is that this Son of God wasn’t here to make converts, but disciples, committed people to relationship with God, and to save all rather than those who were “holy.”

Surely the gospels (and Jesus himself) require holiness of us, but that is the gift of the Spirit, not of our own discipline. Not that there aren’t disciplines we follow, but the disciplines are inclined by the Spirit that was given at the day of Pentecost, that Spirit that was with God stirring the dark waters birthing creation itself. To think that that is the gift we have been given to empower us to not just stray from sin, but to demolish the enemies of our lives and the lives of others. This comes by power of God, just as the resurrection of Jesus came from the power of God and not some ‘reaching of perfection’ within spiritual growth or self-examination. Let us not be deceived!

The benefit of committing ourselves to Christianity is that we have the function (created in God’s image) fashion (the ability by the Spirit) and the desire (our response to God in action) to free others, to become for the world the hands and feet of God in the world. Jesus’ favorite book may have been Isaiah, he quotes this prophet often. “The year of the LORD is here” “set the captives free” and Jesus said that He fulfilled this promise (and so many others) made so long ago! What do we do with that? Easily we can wield our Bibles like swords and stab at peoples hearts hoping for some magical change of heart. We can likewise, become so dull with our knowledge and commitment to the LORD that we shake at the thought of freeing people from sin, sometimes not even believing in sin ourselves because we are “so free.” But, like Jesus, there is a proper (holy) way of doing things.

This gets me back to “turning tables.” The place where Jesus was ‘cleansing’ was the places in the Temple that were meant for “others” (non-Hebrews) to come and experience God’s day of sacrifice and to see how things work when in relationship with Him. Of course, this system was flawed, but it was close to the heart of Christ, to see gentiles come into the “heart of God” by way of the temple worship experience.

This ‘cleansing’ also may have been a forecasting of His own death that was emphasized in His own ministry. Christ wanted to know that He spoke for God and God was saying that there are not any divisions separating you from God because of His message. This requires commitment; it is not an easy road, as is easily seen in the life and messages of the disciples of Jesus both in His earthly lifetime, and the disciples since then. We (Christians) are called into this lifestyle, this worship, this value, that God himself would come down and declare (and work out) salvation for all people. But this is not easy, the life we must live. This is also not condemning, we should embrace evangelism, and sharing the gospel with zeal and passion as a response to what God has done in us! This will, sometimes, mean turning tables in prominent places (sometimes churches) in this ‘worldly kingdom’ so that God might be given room to seek.

What to do? We have signed up, crossed the line, and are Disciples of Christ. We will not have to look hard to see what is unjust, and what needs fixing. The ‘cleansing’ of our hearts is always first, and serving the world is always met by that clean heart. We are not ‘converting’ but ‘making disciples’ (Talmidim) and that involves us being good disciples, examples of what others should be like. So, to those who I have led into places that they immediately want to turn tables, do it in passionate love for the “others” never forsaking love for those money-changers. God loves the CEO of nike as much as He loves the children making their shoes. Don’t hear me wrong, HE will go to rescue the children in danger, and will call some of us to do such rescuing. All people are called to embrace salvation and the life that comes with it, Jesus “brought low the hills, and filled the valleys” of our lives and to show in His kingdom that the LORD is right, and nothing is higher than Him.

This is the problem with “rebels” who worship rebellion, who want to turn tables and hate those at the tables, this is not the story of Jesus’ in the gospels. It is also not as simple as “love the sinner, hate the sin” which has become to abused it shouldn’t be used anymore. The love of the Father “drove” (same ‘drove’ as Spirit ‘driving’ Him to the desert after baptism?) Jesus to cleanse the Temple, to show the moneychangers that they were in sin, and salvation is for all, and God is for them as well as those they are taking advantage of.

Are those of us ready to ‘fight’ ready for this kind of servant-rebellion? Join up if you want, but this army doesn’t hand you a weapon, but a new heart, the stone that falls off the old one is to be saved and shown to the world, so that they can see God is working even in our “modern age.” How has God moved into your life? How will He share the gospel with your life? What tables were turned over in your heart, and how can this “drive” you into the places that need change in the world?

10.20.10 Remembering Hope

A new theme music in my ear:
“God has not lost hope”.

When I read the prophetic books of the Old Testament and see the enthusiasm and hope found in both God and humanity that loves and trusts God, I am encouraged. Conversely, when I see most church altar calls, and salvation sermons, I am disappointed that we are stuck 2,000 years ago as if the fullness of God ended at the cross. The emphasis on this statement is “ended” not “fullness” because I believe that all can come under grace and are available at the communion table of both the Father and Community of Faith.

I love the passages in Isaiah and other prophets that declare that 'God sees no one to help him, so he/she has to do it himself and reach down to save” and David in the Psalms repeats often a doubt-full trust that God is not too weak to save, but then again, when? Many evangelicals (myself, for a long time) are somehow corrupting the Old and New Testaments by making them the last and final word of God, as if the Resurrection and Ascention was a bandana tied around the mouth of God so she would shut up finally, and we can go about being 'obedient to new laws' we create in churches we build!

Where did hope go?

Ezekiel 9 tells a story about God calling a man who has a writing kit to go and write on the foreheads of people who mourned in Israel for those bullied and living out destruction, those that managed to still have a heart after there was so much reason to trade your heart for symbolism or degrees or status or wealth. The people with real pain going on because of oppression. We focus on the dead idolaters in this story too often, and not on the people that are saved. God starts in the temple, a place that was supposed to be to meet God in, but it wasn't because there were people making money and destroying things even in that holy place.

This is not often seen as “hopeful” but it is a call for us to remember to be compassionate. To put humanity on a love-pedestal no matter how whore-ish she (we) are. That God will remember our mourning and our fists in the ground in anger for the destruction of the creation that God blessed.

ARE WE NOT REQUIRED BY GOD TO SEEK JUSTICE, LOVE KINDNESS, AND WALK HUMBLY WITH HIM/HER? 
Humility is more powerful when it is not our first reaction, and it shows who a person is in the face of their own discrimination and hatred.


We need to let things affect us.
God is involved in humanity.

On a day that is meant to remember those who killed themselves because of bullying, I cannot help but wonder if there was a pastor in miles that would just love them and pray and seek their safety! Isn't that our job, beyond creating 'righteous richards” just to protect the innocent and hurt and broken folks? That we can create spaces for artists to come and bleed on canvas, and say “Damn this, this sucks!”, or people to be healed because we are all here to listen and respond with a God who IS love?

GOD HAS NOT LOST HOPE, PLEASE MY FRIENDS, DON'T LOSE HOPE EITHER. THERE IS A COMMUNITY THAT LOVES YOU AND (most importantly) A GOD WHO RESPONDS IN LOVE (period)!

The Gospel of Graffiti...

I call to you, God, because I'm sure of an answer. So—answer! bend your ear! listen sharp! Paint grace-graffiti on the fences; take in your frightened children who Are running from the neighborhood bullies straight to you. (The Message, Ps. 17:6)

I have titled my blog Grace Graffiti for many reasons. What would it mean to have art back into the christian community, real art, the art that sparks thought and spirit and revolution? My wife made a wonderful announcement when we were doing some 'artsy' ministry stuff, “every culture has been known by what lasted, and that is almost always art”. This has landed her in a ceramics 101 class, which she is kicking ass in (love you!) and has sort of molded a fresh perspective in both of us to engage the arts and spirituality. Our apartment is full of Buddha, Icons, and personal art from friends and our own pieces occasionally.

But really, what has art done? and What can it do?

I see people/artists like Obey Giant, Chaz Bojorquez (pictured above), and some of my favorite homeboys who love art in photograph or spray cans that speak more volumes than words from their lips. There is a peace that comes for us in many different ways, and those ways must be utilized! What is being said when I am able to write a message on a wall so that the world can see. What does it do for history, for personality, for confidence, for the integrity of the message that it is laid out to see? Isn't this the story of much Jewish teaching in the Old Testament?

That we would 'write justice on our hearts' (like a tattoo) and 'declare the year of the Lord's grace in the city'...I cannot believe that books are enough, or sermons, or even blogs, but that there is a prophetic generation of artists that will 'show' beauty through resistance to the modern norms of expression.

Are you one of them?

Grace Graffiti is one of my elements, I believe that if God were to put a mark on all people it would be Grace that would show we are all accepted and loved and permanently changed by what Jesus has brought to us from the Father. Can we say every Sunday that God is creative and beautiful but we stick with just Thomas Kinkade art and post-cards? Is that being responsible with God's message? I don't think so...

GRAB THOSE CANS OF GRACE AND START SPRAYING!!!

American Exceptionalism is not Gospel Teaching.

  I am not against patriotism, or against people with flags on their houses. One of my best friends just got back from a term in Baghdad and I love him to death, but I love him, not his camouflage or orders or service. I believe Jesus was about the whole person, not their political affiliation. What I am against is when that Flag (American or otherwise) becomes more important than the gospel and the message of Jesus Christ and God-Creator and Holy Spirit from the pulpit or bar-stool... Don't think this could happen? It does. In my neighborhood. In your neighborhood. With “pastors” who have not authority over them but their own opinions, their own agenda, etc. The word of God that would speak life is what we should build our ministries around, that speak life into them, not some 'damaged goods sin theology' or 'pro-America, Anti-Muslim theology'. That would be doing a dis-service to my people and to my faith, and to God, who called ALL people to himself.

When preachers are allowing themselves to preach 'America The Beautiful' (and Best) from pulpits, others will feel the same way because that being preached from the pulpit is to say that it is also how God feels. There is NO accountability in that, just BIAS. So, I guess this isn't about patriotism at all, but how holy do we see the pulpit or God for that matter? This American Spiritual Revolution or Exceptionalism is not Gospel, and it definitely has no place for the pulpit. If we preach from a holy place that America is the Best, then that concludes that all other countries should be like America and that they are not the Best and therefore are 'in sin' or 'not blessed' or 'devils'...which may be the opinion of many people that wear crosses around their necks, but would not be the opinion of Jesus.

We have come to great places in the last 100 years with historical evidence and looking into what the context of Paul's letters and Jesus' words have been. “Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand” (present tense). We have come to great places where the church has agreed (finally) that the Crusades were a bad idea and rooted in politics rather than 'true religion' like is described in James. We know that much if not all of Jesus' language was political serious-satire, using the words of Caesar and Rome to show the people that God's kingdom would root itself in are the poor and weak and in illegal aliens, and broken widows or orphans, or in the wounds of Himself and the lepers Jesus healed...that Kingdom would reign, and is truly exceptional.

Paul, when writing Ephesians 4:1-6 outlined a greater emphasis on the resistance language of unity than a case for monotheism. (see Imitators of God: A Study Book on Ephesians, by Letty M. Russe) The church was to show that people Jews/Gentiles would get along because they love Jesus and are committed to the things the church is committed to, “Jesus is Lord” was one part, feeding the poor, widow, orphan, raising the dead, serving all people was the majority of their work. That is, to show the Kingdom of God that is present.

Who did Jesus love? Who did he admonish? Samaritans, women, even “centurions and their servants” (Which is an interesting story, Luke 7, look it up in ALL possible contexts). He honored widows who lost all they had, and gave of their loss. He gave examples that were not socially acceptable to the Jewish community that followed him. Shouldn't we?

Reflections in Silence and Revolution: Part 1

Lebh Shomea means “Listening Heart” and the experience was wonderful this past weekend. If you want to see pictures check out my Facebook page. It would take a series of Blogs about the details of what God seemed to say while in silence. But I will share some reflections from my silence.

First, the awkward stage is still boggling me. I expected much less ease about it all. My wife and I are both in ministry and in many ways speak for a living. We hold full time jobs that are in retail also, which means appealing to customers and service. Knowing we were going to a place that the only speaking would be in smiles and hand-holding, with the exception of time in our dwelling, we moved into the space well.

Throughout the trip, I spent time with Amanda in many of the prayer chapels and rooms in the Library. One was titles “St. John Prayer Chapel” and it was very simple with icons and a table for The Eucharist. Here I took off my shoes and just sat in silence contemplating cleanliness and how we so often talk of 'dirty sin' and such things in today's church. This idea of vulnerability came over me there, no shoes. I started to wonder if sin is not the issue, but that our natural vulnerability is a key part of relationship with God, and it has more purpose than we expect...

A rule of the house is to check your feet before you go into your dwelling to make sure you aren't carrying anything inside with us. Is this not what we search for with Confession? And community? And self-discipline?

As we walk this earth,

before we go to speak to one another,

or seek God. Or sleep. Or rest. Or pray.

Do we check our feet (Romans 10:15)

and make sure that news is not tainted by

thorn bushes, or by fear of loss, or by dirt

that has been heaped upon us by plastic brothers and sisters!

Moses came to Yahweh barefoot,

A position most vulnerable for ancient men!

We are born with no shoes, no protection of our “patas”

from the elements and outside world.

Protection we say is the job of our parents, and God when we

are children, but I wonder...

What of the bad gods and parents who leave their children bleeding?

These are our communities, of broken people,

When these children go to read. To pray. To seek. To sleep.

They go humble and hungry and hopeful that WE,

the hands and FEET of Jesus, though Pierced deeply, and also bleeding,

would not TURN AWAY their brokenness, but be there with them.

Speaking. Healing. Feeding. And fitting them for better shoes for this world we walk in.

Lebh Shomea

The weekend approaches. I am sick, a cold that takes my nose from me, smelling is not available, and yet I am excited about spending my weekend "in the desert". My wife and I are going to Lebh Shomea and look forward to the experience. The retreat center has been utilized by people I admire a lot. Justin Horton, Dr. Jackson at South Texas School of Christian Studies where both my wife and i attend, as well as Pastor John Elford who still continues to aggravate my spirituality just by his wonderful presence!

Is this not the role of community? To aggravate holiness in us, to challenge our love, desire, distaste, fear, and attempts at holiness? I think its true, because that is what the Holy Spirit does in me most these days, she is a disruptive bitch at times. Taking me out of my comfortable church places, meeting people who love things that I hate and hate people that I love. But she knows what is best for me, she does.

That is how Amanda and I got to this trip. We didn't have the funds to go see David Bazan in San Antonio, which is still a goal of mine. I want to share a beer with a man of poetry like his. So, here comes a lady at church that is (like me) getting wrecked in holy ways by monastic teaching and prayers of long-since-dead saints and sinners. She wants to send my wife and I on a silent get-away surrounded by desert and monks and books and cactus and solitary silence. Perfect.

I am listening to The Devil Wears Prada discography while I type this, and that is FAR from silence. But it is most violent before the quiet storm, I guess. Wish us luck friends. No phones, no blogs, no computers, just my wife and I, some hermits, monks, sisters, and old pages that will surely inspire.

See you all soon.

A Savior Singing over ugly redemption

A Savior Singing over ugly redemption

Friday, December 23, 2005

Do you ever find yourself caught up in longing.  It doesn't matter the subject of your longing, it could be anything or nothing, but you long so much for something.  I guess that is a good description of a soul, or at least mine.  I'm looking at a comment by a great friend, and it amazes me that little things in life keep me alive.  Really, if no one ever told me they loved me, or wanted me around, or all that 'emo' shit i would find myself dead to some degree.

Lord forgive me for not loving and so often finding that distaste for You in my mouth.  May the words of my mouth only shift to the redemption of my heart and the eternal thirst for You in my soul.  Longing is such a gift of God.  I want a wife, friends, community, love, real relationship without rejection of question of motive, all the desirable things.  Silly things like money, being able to be in a band again, and coffee are last on my desires, and really they aren't desires.

My Bible reads out how we as humanity are continuously responding to God by His creation or by personal relationship with Him.  My prayer life should reflect what i have learned from God that day, and so many times my prayers are empty, longing for something deeper and more passionate, but in that longing i find Christ singing over me.  And He loves my music, my tattoos, my love for Him, my passion for HardXCore and all those silly things as much as those deep rooted longings.

I hope and pray that all of you and i myself find ourselves more in love with God, the G-D of the Bible and the G-D of our lives and Creation and Redemption.  Bless you all. 

Thanks for being part of my longing.

A blog from Thursday, November 03, 2005

It was good to re-read some things that God is still stirring in my heart. Thank the Lord for His consistency!

 

Twitching on the floor of my hearts desire
Current mood:  exhausted
Category: Religion and Philosophy

 

Hello everyone who is reading.
I spent the last two days or so at my house, or at the house i live in, not really mine.  I thought a lot while watching what people think is tv now.  I found myself seeing a funeral service for Rosa Parks, where some great things were said and my heart lept to find a sign somewhere and march for something worthy.

The question comes to what is really worthy? Abortion, Capital Punishment, Punk Rock, Jesus Christ, Rights of Gays, etx.  What is the big problem that I should choose? What will be the response?  I spent two days in depression, a lovely depression, an explosion of my heart, a Big Bang of sorts, and drowned my sorrows in thoughts of Johnny Cash, Jesus Christ, and the sounds of HardXCore music.  It was a grand time in reflection, it was murder in the process.

To be assured, friends, I found my heart twitching on the floor of my own desires, and still am wondering where to go.  Following 'the Spirit' is harder for those of us with conscience and a brain.  Our world is in chaos over gay rights of marriage in TX, and I guess  over the world.  Is this the fight to choose?  Is this the big issue?  I can't believe that so many have taken so much time behind pulpits, on television, and in conversation over coffee to attack such a little problem.

Before I am kicked out of TX please know that I have my own opinions about this issue, and they will not be clear in this blog, but what is to be made clear is that I am in love with a man named CHRIST, and none other will save those caught in adultery (homo or hetero sexual) but the blood that was shed for me and the acceptance to a life changed in conviction and conscience by a living breathing God.

Sorry, but had to spout, been inside too long, and wanted to breathe for real a little bit, been holding my breathe.  Be assured there is more to come from my bleeding heart.
 Please find yourselves on the floor sometime, really praying, even if you never make a sound, find God's heart, and follow His law out of love and obedience, not by popular demand.

I am finished.

What Can't We Do?

“My grace is sufficient for you” was God's message to Paul when they were in a bitch fit conversation about a “thorn” in Paul's side. Paul had told his story a hundred times at this point, allowed himself to be beaten, thrown out of synagogues, defended not only his 'personal salvation' but his apostleship. So who left is there to fight? (Enter God.)

Paul was a man of status, even when he wrote Pharisitic life off for discipleship he is given “apostle” as title and we speak in church more about Pauline thought rather than the red letters of Jesus. The “gospel” of Paul is more attractive then the “love the other” nature of
Jesus Christ. Paul was sent to gentiles, and did so with an almost flawless point to his tongue that pierced the heart. He spoke of grace because of the cross, the blood of the sacrificial Paschal Lamb, and freedom that comes because of it.

Now fast forward 2000 years or so and we have debates and religious schools that teach doctrine and discipline, we even have 'great minds teaching about spiritual disciplines' rather than the whole community of faith deciding to function in spiritual disciplines! The joy of Paul's message, and the part that got so many people wanting to kill him, was that the Cross cannot be trumped. (This, of course, implied the Resurrection, and Ascension, and future hope see Rom. 8 and 1 Corinthians 15) So, in a society that pushed the law, what is permissible, can we learn to ask ourselves “what isn't allowed?” Can we climb into the new creation that we are and just soak in the freedom for a bit?

What would that look like? It would include some personal “no” statements for sure, but it would free us to paint, bleed, sing, shout, scream, cuss, and drink in Grace in a way would free others to ask again, “what is this kingdom about?”

Our lives are evangelism, not law.

Grace and Wisdom as Lovers

“Its alright, Its alright, She moves in mysterious way...cloud by day, fire by night” U2, or Moses (your pick)

“For wisdom is more mobile than any motion; because of her pureness she pervades and penetrates all things. For she is a breath of the power of God, and a pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; therefore nothing defiled gains entrance into her...Although she is but one, she can do all things, and while remaining in herself, she renews all things; in every generation she passes into holy souls and makes them friends of God, and prophets.” The Wisdom of Solomon 7:24-25, 27

Why does it seem the church lacks beautiful analogies and language about God in our theology, or even daily life? Have we come to some conclusion that rock-solid trumps breath-taking? I hope not. Often, I am tempted to believe what holds more facts rather than what inspires me beyond myself just due to my senses is better or higher in the spiritual life. My wife is the object of my affection, and there are times I can just look at her and be taught about beauty. We are blessed to live close to the Bay in South Texas, and the water allows us to center ourselves and keep us grounded that our daily 40hr jobs and school isn't all there is, and some large being we call God is in some sort of control and at minimum has allowed us to see some of what he/she set into motion. We say nothing, we often keep silent in front of such majestic views and that is the best answer for the time. But if we were to say something, what would it be? Would it be language about how factual the sun radiated from the clouds or the moon reflected on the H2O particles? Of course not, and that is not a shit on science, but a practical allowance to say nothing and it be a valid answer.

The language of Wisdom of Solomon sited above is just as effective in this Apocrypha account as it is in the account of Proverbs in Canonized scripture. If we continue the theme of Wisdom as feminine character, would Grace become feminine since she is in many ways the 'emphasis word' in the New Testament?

I would personally prefer Grace to be a bad-ass with some tattoos and a switchblade and short hair, like something out of a Social Distortion song, but then again we are all coming to define beauty in our own ways. The writers of the New Testament mention wisdom less than grace and yet if they were in the same room, they would be making out and probably seeking a dark corner to continue their relationship. Talking and being with one another, as if they have always been meant for each other, realize that they are both misunderstood and both have a lot more to give then the boxes of theology they are accustomed too allow them. They would weep together and seek ways to consummate their
relationship, revealing to the world that they are one, they cleave to one another as a legitimate relationship that deserves credit and value in times past and today.

Before you choose to make me more of a heretic than is popular to think of, think of how the scripture uses sex as a way of commitment and relationship...David and Jonathan had something going on, we are the Bride of Christ and Song of Solomon says He wants that relationship consummated and that is more than parts and labor, it is keeping oneself attached too, deciding to cleave to one another. This is one reason why I feel if we were to personify Grace and Wisdom, they would be a couple. A couple that would show us a thing or two about how wrong we are to be anti-_____ and never seek them out to understand. There is a sensuality about Grace, when we learn about her, as much as Solomon was
enticed by Wisdom and begged for it from Yahweh, for many of us in church leadership we have learned to be 'lovers of Grace'.

The Wisdom of Solomon book allows us to see that Wisdom is an element of God's character in power, but not its complete power. That is the thing we often forget about God, that God is not one thing but many and desires multiple facets of use and view. What would happen, though, if wisdom was a symbol of the people of God in a right relationship and if that was tainted it would again need a Redeemer, found in Christ and his allotment of Grace by the Holy Spirit? What if Jesus took the wicked wisdom of even Solomon who sold away his wisdom to wives and concubines and matched her with Grace, Redeeming her to us, so we can see salvation in a beautiful and visual way that inspires us all to have better relationship with God and humanity?

Recently, I attended a sermon where the story of Ruth was retold in a way of Grace and Redeemer as characters rather than the names of people. It allowed me to see what would happen when Beauty was found by Strength and produces Grace as a child and later we would see Jesus Christ from that lineage. When Paul talks about grace being the way we get saved, with faith in Jesus Christ and his kingdom we have gained entrance too, the statement on grace qualifies responsibility. The part of the Wisdom of Solomon and Proverbs about what wisdom cannot do, Grace can do, emphasizes that what Paul calls
'fruit of the world' has no part in her, but that what 'you once were, has been redeemed in Christ'. This is why Grace and Wisdom make such a great couple!

What Grace and Wisdom produce in history and our personal lives is important. Does it produce some sense of piety that we set ourselves as the “grace group” and others are “ill equipped” to teach us? Sometimes, I have learned, my enemies are the best teachers of where I am at. What do I produce in the face of adversity, in front of a world that is watching and seeing what I do with Jesus and the Bible and holiness? If I use it as a heirchical system to judge others, I have taken the place of judge, a place that even Jesus didn't take very often even with women caught in adultery.

I believe the intimate language of wisdom in Wisdom of Solomon, Proverbs, and other poetry books allows for a more inclusive message for all genders, for the 'community of eunuchs' that are single, and the LGBTQ community that deeply desires a relationship with a God of scripture that allows them the same treatment and equality in being 'formed into the character and righteousness of Christ” without judgment. I was able to attend a full season of Advent last year, and wondered what Jesus would bring to today's world. He
would surely be found in bars, gay clubs, tattoo shops, and the mansions of the wealthy showing that a Kingdom has come that will even it all out and we can “see each other” outside the standard of society, and even if society doesn't change, we can and we can create a better world for those ignored. Sadly, Jesus wouldn't be found often in churches like he wasn't found often in the synagogues of his day unless he felt like making a whip
of chords again, which wouldn't surprise me really.

Go and as Advent season comes along, seek out Wisdom and Grace in your sermons, daily meetings, in the faces of children, in your pastors bagged eyes, tearful folks at altars, in coworkers, everywhere. Be the people of God, giving freely the things of love and peace and mercy. I love you all. She moves in mysterious ways, and I'm learning more everyday to dance that dance! Thanks be to God.